The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About

In Chapter 12 of The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins explores friendship evolution by relating her personal experiences through the lens of the three pillars of friendship: proximity, timing, and energy.

The narrative focuses on Robbins’s experience when a close friend relocated near two other couples in their social circle. As these three families developed their relationship due to physical proximity, Robbins found herself increasingly excluded. She admits responding with emotional immaturity, experiencing intense jealousy and exhibiting negative behavior at social gatherings, while her husband accepted the changes without taking them personally.

Using this experience, Robbins illustrates how adult friendships naturally shift based on life circumstances, often due to changes in proximity, timing, or energy. To demonstrate this point, she describes her recent life changes—relocating and managing a growing company—which affected her ability to maintain consistent contact with friends.

The chapter concludes by advocating for a flexible approach to friendship, maintaining goodwill toward distant friends, and remaining open to reconnection. Robbins’s eventual reconciliation with the couples from her narrative demonstrates how relationships can survive periods of distance when approached with maturity and understanding.

In Chapter 13, Robbins addresses the challenge of building meaningful adult friendships. The chapter expands on previously introduced concepts—the “Great Scattering” and the three pillars of friendship (proximity, timing, and energy)—presenting them as fundamental tools for understanding relationship dynamics.

Robbins illustrates her principles through her experience of moving to a small town at age 54. After spending a year in isolation, an intervention by her daughters prompted her to initiate contact with a neighbor, marking the beginning of her community integration. This experience leads to her introduction of the “going first” strategy—taking initiative in social situations by introducing oneself and showing interest in others.

The chapter emphasizes the value of “weak ties”—casual acquaintances who can develop into meaningful connections. Robbins demonstrates this through her systematic approach to building relationships at a local coffee shop, recording names and details about regular patrons and staff, which eventually led to significant friendships.

Robbins presents four core strategies for initiating connections: asking about others’ experiences, showing genuine interest, maintaining an approachable demeanor, and avoiding expectations of immediate friendship. The chapter concludes with her central argument that building a social network requires patience—“Give it a year,” she says—as illustrated by both her own experience and her daughter’s college transition (184). This combination of proactive social engagement and patience forms the foundation of her approach to developing adult friendships.

In Chapter 14, Robbins examines why attempting to motivate others to change typically fails. She presents her central argument through a case study of a woman trying unsuccessfully to improve her husband’s health habits, demonstrating how even well-intentioned pressure creates resistance and relationship strain.

Robbins introduces three key principles about motivation: Adults only change when internally motivated, external pressure cannot create authentic motivation, and people generally consider themselves exceptions to negative consequences. She supports these ideas with research from behavioral neuroscientist Dr. Tali Sharot, who found that the brain deactivates when receiving unwanted advice or warnings, making traditional motivation tactics ineffective.

The chapter explores how attempting to influence others’ behavior creates power struggles. When someone feels pressured to change, they often resist to maintain their sense of control, even if they desire the proposed modification. This dynamic creates what Robbins terms a “gridlock” that intensifies over time.

As a solution, Robbins advocates for The Let Them Theory—accepting others as they are and allowing them to make changes on their own timeline. She argues that releasing pressure creates an environment conducive to organic transformation.

Chapter 15 discusses Robbins’s approach to influencing behavioral change in others. Instead of applying pressure, she advocates for accepting people as they are while modeling desired behaviors. This strategy draws on research showing that humans naturally mimic behaviors they observe in others, particularly when those behaviors appear beneficial or enjoyable.

Robbins presents the ABC Loop method for facilitating change: Apologize and Ask open-ended questions, Back off and observe behavior, and Celebrate progress while modeling change. Before implementing this approach, she recommends examining one’s motivations for wanting others to change. This self-reflection helps individuals recognize their need for control and prepares them for more effective conversations.

The ABC Loop begins with a pressure-free discussion focused on listening rather than advising. This approach draws from clinical motivational interviewing techniques. The backing-off phase requires patience, as change might take six months or longer. The celebration phase involves immediate positive reinforcement of progress to create beneficial associations with new behaviors.

Robbins acknowledges that practitioners might need to repeat the ABC Loop multiple times, as maintaining a pressure-free stance can be challenging. She says that while this method can be highly effective, it does not guarantee change in others.