Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Tears are a sign that the person crying needs support and connection, indicating both an emotion and its intensity. Individual responses to tears vary, and the specific responses are based on how one was wired early on. Tears can be triggering for parents, as they are a sign of a child’s vulnerability; if the parent was shamed for their own tears growing up, they can respond by shutting down their child’s tears. Tears can also make a parent feel guilty for causing their child distress.

Parents ought to remind themselves that even if they don’t like their child’s tears, they need to respect them. Dr. Kennedy also addresses the idea of “fake tears,” questioning why any tears are considered fake. Doing so communicates judgment and paints the child as manipulative. She notes that even adults escalate emotion when they are not feeling seen or heard; the same is true for children.

It is important to talk about tears outside of crying. Ways to do this include noting how and why a character in a story may cry or even sharing personal experiences with crying. One also ought to note the importance of tears as an indication that something is happening in one’s body so that the child doesn’t indulge in shame or self-blame. Dr. Kennedy again offers Socratic questioning as a helpful tool, which may include talking about why tears are important, what they may be saying, why people cry, and whether adults can cry, among other questions.

Confidence is often presented as being happy or proud of oneself. However, this idea of confidence leads parents to be quick to reassure an upset child and chase distress away. Instead, Dr. Kennedy reframes confidence as knowing completely what and how one feels in any moment. It is being oneself even while experiencing a wide range of feelings and having the belief that one can trust one’s feelings.

Confidence is built not only by the things one says when things go wrong but also by the responses elicited when things go right. Praise that focuses on results, such as saying “good job,” can sometimes get in the way of building confidence, as it causes children to look outside themselves for validation. Everyone needs some external validation, but it is important to build the interiority of a child. Comments about how hard a child is working, rather than how well they have done, supports confidence building, as it teaches a child to look inside and notice how and what they are doing and feeling.

In this context, one ought to lead with validation. When a child expresses a feeling about something, a parent can name and then validate the feeling. For instance, if school drop-off is difficult for a child, a parent can acknowledge both the feeling and the fact that drop-off can be hard sometimes. A second approach is to ask how a child thought of something, whether it be a drawing or a story. This shows interest in the processes within a child and encourages them to look inward and value those qualities.

In line with this, a general culture of valuing “inside stuff,” such as the willingness to try something or practice something that feels difficult, over the “outside stuff” (a test score or a medal) will teach the child the same. Finally, it is important to wire children for compassion and self-trust by asserting that a child knows best how they feel about something and that it is okay to have the feelings they do.

Some children shut down when things do not go exactly how they imagined. This tendency toward perfectionism is an emotional regulation struggle of being unable to reconcile reality with expectation. Children with this tendency also tend to be rigid, swinging between extremes in both moods and reactions. Their self-concept tends to be narrow and fragile, and the parents’ goal ought to be to help these children feel good enough. This involves helping the child untangle behavior from identity; for instance, struggling with reading does not mean they are “stupid.” However, to do so, Dr. Kennedy encourages parents to help children see and recognize their perfectionism, rather than shut it down entirely.

One way to do this is to let children see their parents make mistakes and model feeling okay about themselves even when they do so. Another is to narrate the feelings that underlie a moment of struggle with perfection for the child, which shifts the child’s focus to how they feel and helps them regulate their emotions. Pretend play using stuffed animals is a way to act out situations of struggle with perfection and how to cope in these instances.

Introducing the idea of the “Perfect Voice” is another strategy Dr. Kennedy offers. The “Perfect Voice” is a voice inside one’s head that is always urging one toward perfection; it is not a problem until it becomes so loud that it drowns out the others. Talking nicely to the “Perfect Voice” can help it calm down. This helps children relate to perfectionism as simply a part of themselves, something that can be regulated rather than rejected. Another helpful approach is to make a game out of not knowing and learning: Each time a child learns something new, they score a point. “Winning” is not about being perfect, here, but about learning something new.

Separation is difficult for children. Separation anxiety behaviors are rooted in attachment, as the parental presence is associated with safety. Separation involves finding safety in a new person or environment and is not an easy process, as it requires internalizing the feelings of safety a parent provides even in their absence. Transitional objects, such as a stuffed toy or blanket, can help, as these serve as physical representations of the security the parent provides.

Different children respond to separation differently based on their temperament. A more risk-taking child may have less difficulty separating than a more cautious child. These reflect different experiences, not “better” or “worse” ones. An important thing for parents to remember is that their reaction to separation can also influence how the child feels. If the child senses hesitation or worry, their own anxiety will be magnified.

One way to approach separation is for the parent to first check in with themselves and acknowledge any anxiety they may be experiencing. Talking about the event of separation with the child before the fact can help them prepare for both circumstances and feelings. Developing and practicing a short routine for goodbyes can make separation feel familiar and safe. Telling the story of the separation after reuniting can also help ease anxiety by helping the child see that the event was only one part of a larger story.

Sleep struggles are essentially rooted in difficulties with separation and need to be understood in the context of attachment theory. Children feel safest when in their parents’ presence, and besides the loneliness of separation at night, the time can also feel scary owing to its darkness and the emergence of scary thoughts. Other struggles in their life, such as adjusting to a new home or the birth of a new sibling, can manifest in sleep struggles and an increased need for parental proximity. Punitive and distancing measures in response to sleep struggles only intensify a child’s need for connection at night, resulting in more sleep struggles.

Thus, sleep change is a two-step process, beginning with helping children feel safe and developing coping skills during the day, before using these strategies at bedtime. Separation at night, as during the day, becomes more manageable when a child internalizes the safety of a parent’s presence and feels it even in their absence. Dr. Kennedy cautions that there is no guarantee when these strategies will “convert” to better sleep, however. Parents ought to also look at different ways of meeting their own needs for rest, such as switching out with a partner when possible, taking breaks during the day, and so on.

Another strategy is to clearly explain to the child where everyone is and what they will be doing when the child is asleep. Parents can also examine if there are separation struggles happening in the daytime routine as well and address these with more connection and a goodbye routine. Role-playing the child’s bedtime routine using stuffed animals can prepare the child for what to expect and practice the separation. Another strategy is to infuse the parent’s presence in the child’s sleep environment by way of a photograph or a note that the parent leaves by their bedside.

Mantras can be helpful for both the child and the parent. Children can use a phrase that reminds them they are safe and their parent is near; parents should choose a phrase that reminds them that their child will, eventually, sleep. In keeping with this, the parent can record their child’s mantra using a recordable button with a short playback duration for their child to play by themselves at night, soothing themselves with their parent’s voice. Finally, the “Safe Distance” method is a strategy in which a parent starts the night close to the child in their room and increases the distance over multiple nights until they are eventually out of the room.

Some children feel things more intensely than others, which results in longer and more frequent tantrums. Dr. Kennedy notes that these children are “Deeply Feeling Kids (DFKs)” (286), and they require different parenting strategies than others. DFKs, too, can learn how to regulate their emotions with their parents’ help.

DFKs often experience vulnerability as shame and thus push away their parents’ direct offers of help. They also have deeper questions about their own unlovability and wonder whether their parents can truly manage them. Thus, they respond to an offer of help with emotional explosions, or even hitting, as they worry that the feelings that overwhelm them will also overwhelm others. In such instances, the parent’s role is merely to hold space, to be present and demonstrate to the child that their feelings will not overwhelm everything around them.

The first step is to approach the situation through curiosity, rather than blame. This is followed by containment, as DFKs often have explosive tantrums, and despite their protests, a parent may need to bring them to a smaller room to help them regulate. Throughout this, it is important for the parent to remind themselves, and communicate to their child verbally and through their presence, that they are a “good kid having a hard time” (291).

A parent’s presence throughout the child’s struggle is a powerful reminder of their goodness. This does not mean that a parent cannot step out for a break if they feel overwhelmed. In such an instance, a parent simply ought to communicate that they are stepping out to calm themselves down for a minute while reiterating they will be back and still love their child.

DFKs often find it difficult to talk about their feelings, as being vulnerable feels shameful. Hence, a strategy that helps with doing so is playing a game where the parent states something and the child indicates whether they agree, disagree, or partially agree by holding a thumb up, down, or to the side, respectively. This allows the child to share how they feel without the questions feeling too intrusive.

Dr. Kennedy concludes by reiterating how the underlying principle of her approach, that everyone is “good inside,” applies to parents as well. Believing this about oneself is the only way one can make positive changes in parenting, as well as in other areas of one’s life. To change, one needs to be able to tolerate guilt and shame, which are normal feelings, and put into practice the “two things are true” principle (296): A parent has done things to feel guilty about, yet the parent is still good inside. Dr. Kennedy reiterates that one’s behaviors do not define them; however, believing one is good inside allows one to take responsibility for those behaviors. She encourages the reader to internalize this belief, for oneself and for one’s children. She believes this idea allows one to be a grounded yet empathetic parent, which is integral to creating intergenerational change in parenting.