From the Ashes: My Story of Being Métis, Homeless, and Finding My Way

“Jerry’s tiny fists punched up and into the darkness, right before his little body was dug out and broken. He would put himself between me and the Monster. He would rescue me from whatever it was that had him and Josh squealing in the next room while I cried myself to sleep.”

Thistle has hazy memories of his time in a foster home; however, he remembers it being an unpleasant experience. The memory of his older brothers Josh and Jerry attempting to protect Thistle from the “Monster” that attacked all three of them at night shows how, in their earlier days, both older brothers took on a protective role. Thistle does not elaborate on his relationships with his brothers, but anecdotes such as this quote reveal what their bond looked like and how it changed over time.

“Grandpa believed in an honest day’s work. He told us he was raised by his grandfather, Pappy Peter McKinnon, after his own father, a coal miner, passed from a heart attack. He used to say that if a man didn’t have callused hands, he couldn’t be trusted and didn’t really work.”

Cyril Thistle, the three brothers’ paternal grandfather, was a proponent of honest work and taught the boys how to use tools early in life. Despite Thistle’s defiance toward his grandfather and their eventual estrangement, the value of hard work remains instilled in Thistle even in his darkest moments. The few times he is able to obtain temporary work while living on the streets, he proves to be an efficient worker. His capacity for hard work is what sees him through his second attempt at education in prison and later in Harvest House.

“I thought about the feeling of excitement I’d had grabbing the chocolate bars off the shelf when John had turned his back, the feeling of power. Now I had a strange and satisfying feeling of control—control I’d never had before. I liked it.”

Thistle successfully shoplifts for the first time in Brampton and gets away with it by lying to Grandma about being threatened into doing so by some older boys. The reflection that follows the incident, where Thistle relishes the sense of power and control he feels after the fact, is telling. Experiencing control for the first time is an addictive feeling and explains why he falls into this pattern of behavior henceforth. This also points to the theme of Agency, Autonomy, and the Power of Choice.

“I thought about my parents and all the questions that burned within me growing up, and the resentment that had taken root. I hated them; I hated myself. I hated explaining to other kids where my parents were and why my skin was darker than theirs.”

Thistle begins to contend with his lack of awareness regarding his Indigenous heritage as he experiences both covert and overt forms of racism and discrimination. The absence of his parents, besides forming an emotional void, creates a disconnect from his heritage. His inability to answer his own questions, or respond to the taunts of others, causes him to resent his cultural background, and he spends years attempting to deny and erase it. This also points to the theme of The Impact of Culture and Heritage on Identity.

“‘You’ll probably die drinking like they all do.’ The crowd shifted from my side to his, and I saw my street friends laughing and pointing at me. They believed it, too. They all believed it.”

Thistle gets into a fight with one of his friends, Richard, who mocks his Indigenous heritage and insults him using racist stereotypes. This is eye-opening to Thistle, as he does not expect those he considers friends to display such hatred. The lack of acceptance from his other friends causes him to firmly distance himself from his heritage. Tellingly, when Thistle later encounters love and acceptance regarding who he is from his first formal girlfriend Karen, it creates a stabilizing, positive change in his life.

“‘Love is an important thing,’ he said. ‘And I don’t see that in your life too much.’”

Thistle’s friend Brian has a policeman father, Mr. T, who attempts to teach Thistle about choice through this quote. Although Thistle does not make much of it at the time, this observation summarizes his feelings of defiance and emptiness for much of his early life. Although he has grandparents who provide for his physical needs, he lacks parental love and warmth growing up. When he receives love and warmth later in his life, he is able to keep making good choices and prevent a relapse into his old ways.

“‘So, how’d you do it?’ I asked, truly curious. ‘I realized it was all on me and no one could save me—not Mom or anyone. I had to choose to do the work of bettering myself, just like I chose to hustle in pool halls all day. It was that simple.’”

Through his conversation with Mr. T, Thistle encounters the idea that, despite one’s circumstances, one retains the ability to choose to live differently. It is not an idea that he acts on immediately; however, he rediscovers the power of choice later in life. Significant turning points in Thistle’s life come from him choosing differently than he has thus far—such as when he goes to the police about Stefan and Mike’s crime, when he turns himself in to save his leg, and when he asks to enter Harvest House. This quote also points to the theme of Agency, Autonomy, and the Power of Choice.

“I was afraid to tell Karen I was half Native at first, but she said, ‘I think it’s wonderful. You should be proud of who you are.’ I just about cried.”

Thistle worries about revealing his Indigenous heritage to his girlfriend Karen but is met with a positive reaction. This is the first time someone explicitly assures him that he should take pride in his heritage, explaining his emotional reaction to Karen’s response. Karen’s acceptance plays into why Thistle feels comfortable with her, eventually even opening up to her about his parents. Karen’s stabilizing influence, though brief, demonstrates the healing power of love and acceptance.

“There was a silence that came over my spirit, followed by what sounded like a gust of wind. The noise of the rave receded into the background, and I heard something emerge from inside my core. […] There was a distant drum—louder, louder, louder still, until it vibrated every molecule in my being. The beautiful cry of Indian drummers rang aloud in every direction.”

While high on drugs and dancing at a rave, Thistle experiences a hallucination or vision in which he hears and feels drumbeats from within and around him. At this point in his life, Thistle is still denying his Indigenous heritage. However, visions such as this quote continue to emerge, suggesting that despite his best efforts, he remains connected to his heritage on a spiritual, perhaps inexplicable level.

“He looked dead, but they all appeared dead in their own way, and the majority of them looked Indian. I’d never seen so many Indians in one spot before, except when I was a kid. I’d also never seen such squalor and despair; in suburban Brampton, places like this didn’t exist.”

After Grandpa disowns Thistle, he and Leeroy drive around, looking for a place to park. Thistle’s observation of the number of Indigenous people he sees on the streets, and the despondent conditions they live in, prompts a question that he only seeks an answer to while in university. In retrospect, he realizes that there are certain issues that plague his community disproportionately, such as homelessness and addiction. Both issues stem from colonization in Canada.

“It’s pointless, I thought, my destruction is complete. The next week I left Port Hope and began drifting again.”

Thistle learns that his father, Sonny, possibly resurfaced but disappeared again; Uncle Ron was too late in arriving at the police station to identify Sonny. This triggers Thistle’s despair, and he begins to drift again. For a long time, Sonny’s absence remains an unresolved conflict for Thistle. As a child, he blamed himself for his father’s disappearance; Grandpa constantly likened Thistle to Sonny, believing Thistle to be repeating Sonny’s mistakes. The hope of Sonny returning is equated with hope of redemption for Thistle himself; thus, Sonny’s disappearance spells doom for Thistle.

“Me, I got a lifetime of people thinking I was a rat. That I could live with, because I knew what really happened—they tried to make me their patsy, and I dealt with it. What other choice did I have as a young Native homeless man?”

Thistle turns former friends Stefan and Mike in for the murder of a cab driver, despite knowing the consequences of doing so—he breaks the “code of the streets,” silence above all. However, Thistle knows himself to be in greater danger than his peers, especially if Stefan and Mike succeed in framing him: Rates of incarceration are far higher for men of Thistle’s community.

“Then it hit me. I’d broken into my best friend’s house. I’d violated his space, our friendship, his family. It was much worse than me leaving him in Vancouver.”

Thistle breaks into Leeroy’s house when he is absent, instantly realizing that he has crossed a line. Throughout the years that Thistle spends unhoused, he continually makes choices that actively and increasingly destroy his social network. He does so with best friend Leeroy, his brothers, and different girlfriends. His lack of support makes it all the more difficult for Thistle to find his way out of addiction and a life on the streets.

“My addictions had become unmanageable. I couldn’t escape the horror of being involved with people who’d taken someone’s life in such a gruesome way.”

Thistle originally goes to the police to report Stefan and Mike because he is scared they will frame him for their murder. However, over the course of time, Thistle’s reflections show that his decision stemmed from more than survival; even at his lowest points, he still retains some morality. He is traumatized by Stefan and Mike’s murder and is unwilling to be complicit even if he is ostracized for reporting them. This highlights how a number of Thistle’s questionable choices have been more a product of circumstance—unhealthy patterns or the need to survive—than malicious behavior.

“As Lauriston said, ‘All people who give to those around them prosper by them, and all those selfish bloodlusts that don’t, get nothing but fire.’ I just wish I hadn’t had to go to jail to figure that out—that and so much else.”

For the first time in his life, Thistle experiences the positivity of giving to others without necessarily expecting things in return when he heeds cellmate Lauriston’s advice. Prison becomes a positive turning point for Thistle, where he learns a number of lessons that eventually better his life after years of stealing and running in order to survive.

“All us criminals start out as normal people just like anyone else, but then things happen in life that tear us apart, that make us into something capable of hurting other people. That’s all any of the darkness really is—just love gone bad. We’re just broken-hearted people hurt by life.”

Priest, a fellow inmate, explains to Thistle how to spot “real criminals.” The quote that follows is applicable to Thistle’s own life, as his early childhood and its lack of warmth are what land him in prison. They also align with Mr. T’s earlier observation about how Thistle did not have much love in his life (Important Quote #7). Priest’s quote is a reminder of how Thistle’s life experiences and poor choices are largely brought about by circumstances, rather than character.

“I longed to be part of something again, to be known and accepted, to hear my name. No one ever said my name anymore.”

A number of arrests and releases, as well as the ravages of continued addiction on Thistle’s body, leave him wanting to make real change. His specific desire for people to call out his name highlights how Thistle longs for meaning, purpose, and identity. He finds all three when he eventually makes the decision to commit to the work at Harvest House and turn his life around.

“The sound of my own name dropped into my consciousness like a sledgehammer. The tears creeping along the bridge of my nose froze as I thought of my grandma and Jerry—memories that shattered and warmed me at the same time.”

A shelter worker recognizes Thistle and calls out his name to stop him from attempting suicide; she reminds him of his desire to make his grandmother and brother Jerry proud. The mention of both his name and his family impacts Thistle and recalls his desire to live. Thistle loves Grandma and Jerry and keeps them in his thoughts, especially after Jerry’s message regarding Grandma’s failing health; he eventually reconciles with Grandma before she passes away.

“The rest of our conversation melted into a drizzle of emotions that fogged my heart in the nicest way. […] Refreshing and warm, like I’d rediscovered some fragment of home, some lost piece of myself.”

Thistle reconnects with his mother, Blanche, who has been searching for him for years and finally traces him to Harvest House. Speaking on the phone is an emotional experience for both mother and son, and it has an overwhelmingly positive impact on Thistle. Having missed maternal love and warmth growing up, their return to his life as he is trying to turn it around is serendipitous. Blanche’s reentry into Thistle’s life gives him further strength to recover.

“It lit me up to see my name, ‘Jesse Thistle,’ alongside ‘University of Ottawa.’ I’d done something significant. I’d actually achieved something in my life.”

Bolstered by Blanche’s reappearance in his life, Thistle engages with the work at Harvest House with renewed energy and sincerity, completing communication and etiquette classes conducted by graduate students of the University of Ottawa. The completion certificate gives him a sense of accomplishment and ignites his desire to further his education.

“I sat back and thought about what Mr. F. was saying. There was truth in his words, an external factor Brian and Mr. T.’s empowerment philosophy had missed. The support of family and love—Harvest House gave me both; they gave me the opportunity to choose.”

Thistle’s probation officer points out that his decision to choose differently is only one part of his recovery—the second being the network of people who supported him throughout the process. Thistle acknowledges this, recognizing the power of love and community in helping him recover. This is what he was missing in his early years and time spent on the streets and the reason he struggled with making good choices. Love and community allow him to continue changing his life for the better.

“I started taking Indigenous History classes to figure out who I was and why I saw so many other Natives in all the homeless and justice institutions and out on the streets over the years. I thought I might be able to get some answers in my classes or readings and understand why I had made some poor life choices and keep from relapsing.”

When Thistle enters university, he hopes to find answers to questions that emerged during his time on the streets. His observations about many Indigenous people experiencing homelessness and incarceration lead him on a journey of rediscovering his own culture and heritage and eventually culminate in his life’s work. Thistle’s observations serve as a reminder that the personal issues experienced by a number of Indigenous people are, in fact, societal issues stemming from a history of colonization.

“Those sixteen letters and the black prison Bible are all I have of my dad—that, and the world of resentments I had to sort through on the streets, then in rehab. But it’s more than I ever had, and I was grateful for the journey back to him, even if the old shoebox, some thirty-four years later, was as close as we’d ever get to being father and son.”

Thistle receives letters from his Aunt Sherry that his father Sonny wrote while in prison. This is the only connection Thistle has to his father, whom he has not seen since he and his brothers were taken in by the Children’s Aid Society. Nevertheless, he is grateful for the letters, as they prove that Sonny did, in fact, love his sons. This is affirmation enough for Thistle, who spent years blaming himself for his father’s disappearance, concluding that he was unworthy of love.