Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir

The narrator describes the warm, friendly, and welcoming smile of her new friend Kimaya—one of her most striking features. Although Kimaya’s smile is beautiful, the narrator notes that a few of her teeth are cracked, some because of violence she experienced from her ex-boyfriend. She also observes that Kimaya’s smile is genuinely friendly, and that Kimaya is happy to help her however she can. Kimaya did not receive any support when she first came to the City of Smoke and Lights, so she wants to be helpful for the trans women in her community now.

The narrator recalls growing up in her “crooked house” back in Gloom. The house offered neither privacy nor protection: “[I]t kept you in it, but it did not keep things out” (42). By contrast, the narrator is thrilled to finally have her own apartment, a place all to herself. She notes that it is small and dingy and that her landlord is creepy. Nonetheless, she is excited to have a “sanctuary” of her own and imagines that, like a chrysalis, it will be a space she can use for her transformation, until she is ready to emerge changed and fully formed.

Rapunzelle visits the narrator at her new apartment, and while she is there, the narrator asks her how she and Kimaya came to be together. Rapunzelle shares the story, explaining that she had a difficult time when she first came to the Street of Miracles. Rapunzelle had been abused by her father and, despite getting a job as a bartender and having steady work, she turned to drugs to cope with her trauma. She began to use a drug referred to as “Lost,” because it allowed you to completely transform in both mind and body. It enabled you to become someone or something else and forget who you were before. Rapunzelle became addicted to Lost, and she depended on it so much that she lost her job and her apartment. One day, while at the club where she used to bartend, she used an excessive amount of the drug and lost control. Her body transformed erratically, changing shape so fast she became a blur and was barely able to maintain her physical existence. The club patrons stared and laughed, but eventually Kimaya walked into the middle of the room and demanded that the DJ stop the music. Then she held on tightly to Rapunzelle as she shapeshifted, until eventually the high of Lost wore off and she returned to her regular form. The two have been together since that moment.

Kimaya runs a modest clinic and social services center for the trans women of the Street of Miracles called the “Femme Alliance Building” or FAB. It’s also where many of the trans women of the community choose to hang out and socialize. One day, while the narrator is there, a trans woman named Lucretia enters. She is particularly beautiful and can “pass” as cisgender. She even has a rich boyfriend who lives in the nice part of the City. Lucretia notices the narrator, who is still relatively new to the community, and antagonizes her. She comments that the narrator must be so young and that she “doesn’t even have boobs yet” (51). In response, the narrator grabs Lucretia by the arm and pins her to the couch. She announces that even without boobs, she is just as much of a woman as Lucretia.

In the aftermath of her confrontation with Lucretia, the narrator has decided that she does want boobs after all. She asks Kimaya where she should go and which doctor she should see, and Kimaya recommends Dr. Crocodile. His office is close to the Street of Miracles, and it’s where most of the femmes go to receive their hormones. Kimaya tells the narrator that Dr. Crocodile is popular because he doesn’t charge, but also cautions her that there is still a cost for his help. The narrator isn’t sure what Kimaya means. She goes to his office and waits to be seen. While in the waiting room, she observes the strange assortment of people who have come to see Dr. Crocodile. They include a woman with blue skin, a group of fairy girls with insect wings, and a large man with the legs of a goat. The narrator notes that everyone in the waiting room, including herself, seems ashamed to be there.

This chapter is a short poem from the narrator’s notebook. In the poem, the narrator expresses love and appreciation for her pocketknife, comparing it to herself in size and purpose. She loves the knife because it can hurt her, but she cannot hurt it.

Back in the examining room, the narrator meets Dr. Crocodile, who is excited to help her “make her dreams come true” (57). The narrator views him warily and says very little to him during her examination. The medical exam is unexpectedly thorough, as Dr. Crocodile pokes and prods all over the narrator’s naked body and even inserts an instrument inside her. The narrator wants to attack him and get him to stop, but she resists doing so. After the exam, Dr. Crocodile tells the narrator he will prescribe her hormones, but that there will be a payment required. He whispers the cost to her, but the narrator does not share it with the reader.

Kimaya is making a dress for the narrator. The two are in Kimaya’s apartment while Kimaya measures cloth and gathers materials. She tells the narrator that she is “fish,” which means that she is pretty and feminine enough to pass as a cisgender woman. The narrator is skeptical, especially since she does not consider herself very beautiful. Kimaya assures her that between her appearance and, importantly, her intelligence, she could be really successful and eventually leave the Street of Miracles. The narrator looks in the mirror and appreciates that her appearance is becoming softer and more feminine. She notices Kimaya gazing in the mirror as well and realizes that Kimaya does not seem to like her own appearance. The narrator feels bad for Kimaya and, in this moment, also realizes that she may not want to leave the Street of Miracles. While other trans woman are looking for reasons to move on or get out, she feels more at home here than ever before.

The narrator describes getting her very first pair of heels. They are bright red, and she got them from a second-hand shop called Lilith’s Den, which is owned by Marie-Eve, the oldest femme on the Street of Miracles. Marie-Eve tells the narrator that a trans woman’s heels are what make her powerful, and she sells them to the narrator for just one dollar. The narrator puts them on before leaving the shop, and as she walks down the street, she notices that she feels taller, stronger, and more beautiful. She also notices that she is getting more attention from passersby. She gets back to her apartment and reflects that she now feels markedly different than she did before her first pair of heels.

The trans women of the Street of Miracles receive news that one of their own, Soraya, has been murdered. They acknowledge that her death will not be investigated thoroughly by the authorities and therefore will probably remain unsolved. The femmes have an intense discussion among themselves about what they should do next. Some, like Rapunzelle, believe they should take to the streets or protest in front of city hall. Others, like Alena the Witch, state that making a scene won’t lessen the pain of Soraya’s death or bring her back. There is internal tension about whether they should take action or continue on as normal in honor of Soraya’s life. The narrator realizes how little she knew about Soraya and regrets that she didn’t learn her story before her death. She narrates a version of Soraya’s personal history, imagining her as a daughter of immigrants, who still talked with her mother back home every week. The narrator envisions that when she died, large green moths flew out of her mouth and nose, bringing her spirit back to the Street of Miracles.

The arguments about what to do in the wake of Soraya’s murder continue among the trans women. Valaria, who is an intimidating presence, asserts that they need to take justice into their own hands. After being afraid for years, it’s finally time to fight back against those who would harm them. Kimaya argues that fighting back in this way would make them just as bad as the bigots and oppressors. Instead, they should focus on education, and on building and strengthening their community. Valaria believes that times are changing and that trans women deserve more than mere survival. Valaria manages to convince most of the other femmes, including Rapunzelle and the narrator, to join her cause. Kimaya is hurt by their choice but tells them to do what they feel they need to do.

The narrator, writing to her sister, addresses the fact that her sister got in trouble at school for fighting. She tells her sister that she shouldn’t fight anymore, and that she was the one who fought so that her sister would never have to. She recalls a time when her sister was very young and broke their father’s TV. Their father took out a backscratcher and moved to hit her sister, but the narrator stepped in. She broke the backscratcher and threatened to kill her father if he ever tried to hurt her sister again. The narrator ends the letter by letting her sister know that she does not want her to hurt people.