Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole

Cain experienced this phenomenon while a student at Princeton, and she discovers the actual term for it when she visits Princeton to interview a group of students for the book. She defines this as “the pressure to appear like a winner, without needing to try” (155). Effortless perfection is a mask that gives others the impression that one is cool, calm, and collected and signals success or “winning” at life. It does not allow for emotions often associated with weakness, such as sadness or melancholy. Instead, these emotions are often internally brushed aside so that others do not suspect one of being weak.

This happens “when emotions are pushed aside or ignored, they get stronger” (161). Cain introduces this term just after discussing effortless perfection, and the evidence she presents suggests that this practice, whether intentional or not, is a bad idea that can cause long-term stress and harm. One should instead allow space for all emotions, including sadness and grief, to properly process negative and traumatic events in life.

Metta is the meditation practice popularized by Sharon Salzberg that focuses on “loving kindness” toward all, including our benefactors, friends, enemies, and selves. This practice sees love as a thing that exists by itself, and the goal of the practice is to expand one’s inner sense of love and gratitude toward all to better withstand the inevitable errata that happen in one’s life (Salzberg, Sharon. Loving-Kindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness. Shambala Publications, 1995).

Cain defines this as “a growing movement of people who believe that we can and should live forever” (187). In the footnotes to the book, Cain says that “life extension advocacy” is likely the more precise term. Through scientific and technological interventions, immortalists believe that humans can live longer and one day, will live forever. Cain’s portrayal of immortalists in her book suggests that it is motivated by a sense of utopian optimism and has a generally reductive view on so-called negative emotions such as sadness and longing. Once death is conquered, they maintain, pain and suffering will likewise be overcome.

This is the tendency to catastrophize things as a way of making that worst-case scenario easier to handle when it does happen. Cain discusses an aging couple who lost their 38-year-old daughter to cancer. The mother, Lois, was optimistic to the point where the worst case wasn’t even a consideration. By contrast, the father, Murray, had prepared for the worst. This is not a fatalistic posture, as Murray certainly hoped for the best. However, when their daughter ultimately succumbed to cancer, it was Murray who was better able to absorb the loss, rather than Lois who was devastated. Murray’s defensive pessimism positioned him for this better than Lois’s myopic optimism.